The transition.

To the extent that this has somewhat morphed into a Golden Overtones blog (see how infrequently I post, and how boring my summer was?), I guess this post should really be called ‘The End’. I had my audition yesterday, and I was proud of it. Was it perfect? No. But I had a crazy sore throat, and no audition is completely seamless. But I did everything I could think of to extend myself beyond my normal boundaries; I tried to talk to all the girls auditioning, I made eye contact and focused on facial expressions, and just generally tried to appear more confident. And once again, I made it to the top five, the last round… and wasn’t picked. This time, two of the five of us had been in the group before.

I’m done with the Overtones. I don’t plan on going to any of their concerts, or seeing them on Sproul, or anything else. I feel so upset, sad, and confused, because I feel like they encouraged me so much and I had really tried to meet the challenge. And I am proud of my growth, and think I illustrated at least some of it yesterday. I just don’t know what to do at this point, because I feel so empty without singing, and I miss the choral experience in particular. It’s been my life since I was about seven, and that’s a hard thing to lose. I can physically feel it in my throat when I think about how much I miss it; it feels like I have a thirst that can’t be quenched.

This is all part of a larger feeling of inadequacy and disconnection. I’ve been thinking about my possibility of participating in the UCDC program, and can’t help but focus on my astoundingly empty resume. And I still haven’t made progress in expanding my circle of friends here, and I still know a total of two people on my floor (my roommate, and my friend from my floor last year). I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and I don’t know why I have so many flaws and everyone else seems so….put together.

Today really feels like fall. I woke up and saw the grey sky, and it pretty much matched my bleak mood. But I actually love this weather–and it feels much more like the Berkeley I understand and know. So maybe it’s a sign; maybe with the changing weather, I can stop trying to change myself to conform to someone else’s vague standards. I think now may be the time to turn off the inner critic (or at least lower the volume) and stop condoning my self-labeled shyness. I’m comfortable being alone, and quiet, and introverted, and I think I need to start finding ways to redirect those labels. I can be introverted without avoiding all human contact. I think the Overtone rejection and my following reaction shows that I shouldn’t try to be something I’m not. I’m never going to be able to ‘ham it up’, and be incredibly outgoing and in-your-face. But I think I can find a middle ground that is authentic and will actually help me grow.

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2 Responses to “The transition.”

  1. Bah. That sucks. I better get to see you sing SOMEWHERE this year…!

    That’s kind of what happened to me with DeCadence. And it sucks. But I don’t think it’s worth skipping performances, concerts, etc. just because of this…however incorrect they may have been it wasn’t personal. If you would have enjoyed the music, you probably still will. (Even so…I will say going to a good a cappella group’s concert is bittersweet for me because I still want to be a part of that…even if honestly I’m not up to it.)

    I agree about the weather. It is freaking cold in our room, but it’s back to Berkeley, not some weird seashore resort blasting UV at us all.

    Welcome back, and don’t stop singing.

  2. Well, I may not be singing at all this year. My jazz class was cancelled, so we’re trying to continue it ourselves (I think I told you that already), but it’s definitely proving difficult. And even if it works this semester, there’s no guarantee it will continue.

    And it’s pretty hard to feel like it’s not personal if both times I’ve gotten out after the ‘personality’ round. Besides singing a ridiculously dumb song and having to sell it, we also gather in a circle and talk. It’s hard feeling like your personality is being rejected.

    I think if I went to an Overtones show I would spend the whole time thinking about how I’m not good enough to be on stage with them. Maybe I’ll grow out of that, but it’ll probably be a while before I’m ready to test it. But I understand the conflicting feelings–on one hand, I think it would hurt to go to one of these shows, and on the other hand, they’re just so much fun.

    All I can say is that I completely feel your pain! But with DeCadence, think of it this way: at least you don’t have to wear one of those dang capes. 😉

    But please take your own advice, and keep singing. Screw a cappella groups! The only thing standing between us and them is choreography.

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