The faux friendship.
I don’t know whether I’m frustrated with myself or with other people. It’s obviously both–but I guess I’m thinking a lot about going back to school and it has become exceedingly clear that I didn’t make the type of connections last year that I hoped I would. I have a few friends that I’ve kept in touch with, but most of the people I talked to last year were really just glorified acquaintances. What hurts the most is that my closest friend hasn’t spoken to me at all. And she didn’t even tell me when she left.
I feel so weird about our friendship, because in some ways we’re so alike, and in other ways we’re just too different. There are huge parts of her life I just can’t relate to, and vice versa. I feel like that was the unspoken rift between the two of us for a very long time, and it manifested itself in my own insecurities. I constantly questioned the relationship; I’m a very intuitive person, and I would constantly get the sense that she was irritated or upset with me, and she would always deny it. Was it me? Am I just too self-conscious to have a stable friendship? I don’t really think so. I have great friends here at home.
I really want this to change. I have to keep telling myself that it took several years for my high school group (The Tablemates, we call ourselves) to solidify. I just hope that a new year brings new people and possibilities. Otherwise I don’t think I’ll ever feel settled at Berkeley.
29 July, 2008 at 10:38 pm
WTH, Katie has a blog? Why wasn’t I notified?
I kinda feel the same way…for the most part, the people I was closest to at the end of the year were the people I knew before. And now that we’ve been home for months, I’ve done so much stuff with high school friends (and even a day with middle school friends) that Berkeley’s just really far away.
I don’t know what it’s going to take. But I did go through this once before, moving from an alternative K-8 school into high school. And yeah, I didn’t really have close friends my freshman year. Sophomore year, a little better. But my closest high school friends didn’t become close friends until late sophomore year or junior year. I hope it doesn’t take so long to have the same thing happen in college. I just know it’ll work out.
Still, I wish I had the same sort of close friends at Berkeley, people I can just talk to about anything, going on and on about all sorts of random stuff. But maybe I do and just can’t really remember. And hopefully it’ll happen next year too.
I think I’m probably just one of the “glorified acquaintances”, but I’ll be following your blog from now on. (I should update my own more often…heh.) I’m awful at keeping in touch even with close friends, but I still definitely consider you an interesting person, worth talking to.
However faux our friendships may have been, we still need a Penthouse reunion when we get back. See you in a month…!
30 July, 2008 at 10:20 am
Hi Jordy! I didn’t know you had a blog either (I never really look at the ‘website’ section on facebook). As you can see, I’m not so great about updating it… I never really know what to write about.
I really hope the whole friendship thing gets better this coming year. On one hand, I’m looking forward to going back so I can meet new people, and on the other hand, I’m afraid that I’ll just end up alone.
But we definitely need to have a Penthouse reunion… I love all you guys, I just feel like I was sort of the odd one out last year.